Client Workbook

Assertiveness Building

Theory and practice for expressing your needs, setting limits, and standing up for yourself while respecting others.

You can use this workbook on your own or alongside therapy. Read the theory sections at your own pace, then complete the practice exercises over the following weeks. If you are working with a therapist, bring it to your sessions to review your progress together.

Name:

Start date:

My main goal:

Olena Pkhaladze Psychotherapy Centre · olenapkhaladze.com · olenapkh.therapy@gmail.com
This workbook is educational material and does not replace individual assessment or treatment.

© 2026 Olena Pkhaladze Psychotherapy Centre. All rights reserved. Provided for personal use only. No part of this workbook may be copied, distributed or adapted without written permission.

Theory

1. What assertiveness is (and is not)

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and limits honestly and directly, in a way that respects both yourself and the other person. It is a set of learnable skills, not a fixed personality trait.

The aim is not to "win" a conversation. The aim is to communicate honestly so that you can respect your own choices, whatever the outcome.

2. The four communication styles

Most people use all four styles at different times, depending on who they are with and how safe they feel. Recognising your usual pattern is the first step to changing it.

3. Why being assertive can feel hard

Difficulty with assertiveness usually makes sense when we look at where it came from. Common roots include:

• Early learning. Growing up where expressing needs was ignored, punished, or considered rude or selfish.
• Cultural and family expectations. Messages about respecting elders, keeping harmony, or gender roles can make directness feel wrong.
• Past experiences. If speaking up once led to rejection, conflict or danger, the nervous system learns that silence is safer.
• Fear of consequences. Worry about disapproval, conflict, abandonment, or hurting someone.
• Lack of practice. Like any skill, assertiveness feels clumsy until it has been rehearsed.

Passive or aggressive patterns were often protective once. We do not need to criticise them; we can thank them for their job and practise new options that fit your life now.

4. Thoughts that block assertiveness

A cognitive-behavioural view suggests that situations trigger thoughts, which drive feelings and actions. Unhelpful thoughts can stop us from speaking up before we have even tried.

5. The body side of assertiveness

When we anticipate conflict, the body's threat system can activate: a racing heart, tight chest, shaky voice, or the urge to freeze, please, flee or fight. This is a normal survival response, not a sign of weakness.

• Slow your breathing before and during the conversation: a longer out-breath than in-breath tells the body it is safe.
• Ground yourself: feel your feet on the floor and your back against the chair.
• Notice and name: "My heart is racing; that's my body trying to protect me. I can still speak."
• Pause: it is assertive to say, "Let me think about that and get back to you."

6. Your personal rights

Assertiveness rests on the belief that you have the same basic rights as everyone else. Read these slowly. Tick the ones you find hardest to believe about yourself.

• I have the right to express my feelings and opinions.
• I have the right to say no without feeling guilty.
• I have the right to ask for what I want, knowing others may say no.
• I have the right to change my mind.
• I have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.
• I have the right to say "I don't know" or "I don't understand."
• I have the right to take time before answering.
• I have the right to set limits on my time, energy and body.
• I have the right not to take responsibility for other people's problems.
• I have the right to be treated with respect.

Practice

Skills build through repetition. Start with low-stakes situations and work up gradually. Expect it to feel awkward at first; awkward means you are learning something new.

Exercise 1: Self-assessment

Rate how easy each situation is for you right now: 1 = very hard, 5 = very easy. Repeat this in 6–8 weeks to see your progress.

Patterns I notice (with whom, where, when):

Exercise 3: "I" statements

"You" statements tend to sound like blame and make people defensive. "I" statements describe your experience, which no one can argue with.

Rewrite these "you" statements as "I" statements:

Exercise 4: The DESC script

For bigger conversations, prepare in advance using four steps:

Prepare your own DESC script for a real situation:

Exercise 5: Saying no

A clear no is kinder than a resentful yes. Choose the version that fits the situation:

• Direct no: "No, I'm not able to do that."
• No with a brief reason: "No, I've already got plans that evening."
• Empathic no: "I can see you're in a tough spot. I still can't help this time."
• No with an alternative: "I can't do Friday, but I could help for an hour on Sunday."
• Buying time: "Let me check and get back to you tomorrow."

Three requests I want to say no to, and the words I'll use:

Exercise 6: Making requests

Effective requests are specific, positive (what you want, not what you don't), and direct (a question, not a hint).

A request I've been avoiding, written clearly:

Exercise 7: Handling criticism

Criticism can trigger shame or defensiveness. These skills help you stay grounded:

• Pause and breathe before responding.
• Ask for specifics (negative inquiry): "What exactly did I do that bothered you?"
• Agree with what's true (fogging): "You may be right that I was short with you."
• Own mistakes without self-attack: "Yes, I missed the deadline. I'll have it to you by noon."
• Disagree respectfully when it's unfair: "I see it differently. Here's what I understood…"

Separate the feedback from your worth: "I made a mistake" is different from "I am a failure."

My key message for a situation where I tend to give in:

Exercise 9: Challenging blocking thoughts

Use this thought record before or after a situation where you held back (or exploded).

Helpful questions: What would I say to a friend thinking this? What's the worst, best and most likely outcome? Is this thought a fact or a fear? What's the cost of staying silent?

Exercise 10: Body language check

Up to half of what we communicate is non-verbal. Practise in front of a mirror or record yourself, then tick what you notice.

One body-language habit I want to change:

Exercise 11: Your assertiveness ladder

List situations from easiest (bottom) to hardest (top). Rate your expected anxiety from 0 to 10. Start practising at the bottom and move up only when a step feels manageable. Small wins build confidence.

Exercise 12: Weekly practice log

Aim for at least three assertive attempts each week. Record them regardless of the outcome; the attempt is the success.

Reflection and next steps

Complete this after a few weeks of practice. If you are in therapy, bring it to your next session.

What has become easier?

What is still difficult, and what might help?

How do I feel about myself when I speak up?

olenapkhaladze.com · olenapkh.therapy@gmail.com
This workbook is for educational purposes and is intended to be used alongside individual therapy. It is not a substitute for professional assessment or treatment.

© 2026 Olena Pkhaladze Psychotherapy Centre. All rights reserved. For personal use only. Do not copy or distribute without written permission.